How to survive a zombie attack
By: Rebecca Shrake
I don’t know about you, but I stand no chance against a zombie attack if the world came to an end tomorrow. And if you’re like me – sitting around guzzling down Cool Ranch Doritos and Double Stuffed Oreos by the handful – there is no way you’re going to have enough time to wipe the crumbs off your face and start sprinting away from a bloody, mangled, groaning zombie.
What was that? Did I just hear the sound of all hope of surviving the end of world crash to the floor with your bag of chips? Stop that. Listen up. It’s time to get in shape so you can run, Forrest, run and make the zombies eat your chip dust.
You don’t need ammo or guns or a tank (although those would all be nice) to defeat the living dead. The best means of defense in a zombie attack is running away. Don’t believe me? According to the movie Zombieland, cardio is the number one rule for surviving because the first ones to go are the fatties. Seriously, watch the video.
Alright here we go. First, we gotta train:
1. Buy a sweet pair of running shorts (you know, the ones with the built-in underwear and cool little key pocket). I have found that I’m more motivated to work out if I actually look like a person who works out.
2. Put down the Doritos, Oreos, Nutella, cupcakes and anything else that weighs you down.
3. Make sure you have some quality running shoes. Yahoo! Sports rated Nike Air Max+ the best running shoe for women and Asics Gel-Nimbus 14 T241N for men. As the end draws near, it also might be a good idea to never take them off so you’re prepared to get up ‘n go at any moment.
4. Start doing cardio workouts at least three times a week, 30 minutes each time. This can include running, biking, cross-country skiing, swimming, or Dance Dance Revolution.
5. Purposely make yourself late for class so you are more compelled to be that person sprinting across campus with your backpack bouncing around. It’s great practice for running from a zombie while wearing a survival pack.
Next, let’s apply your training to a real-life zombie attack situation.
1. The moment you see a corpse emerge from the grave — or wherever zombies come from — please do not be one of those stupid horror movie characters who stares at it with a gaping mouth for all of 25 seconds, then screams and trips and dies. Please. Just, don’t.
2. Turn the other way and run.
3. Don’t look back.
4. But occasionally glance to your sides to see if anymore wretched carcasses are speed-shuffling toward you. If so, juke them out with a move like this (below) and keep running.
5. When you are so tired your lungs are on the verge of collapse and your legs are numb, it’s probably a safe time to search for a hiding place until you catch your breath. Maybe find shelter in a Wal-Mart store. Just make sure wherever you go has a way in and a way out. And avoid elevators.
Congratulations! You are now ready to survive an attack from the undead. But if all else fails, let’s hope you remember the choreography to the song Thriller if you become a zombie.